John Mayer ~ Who Says

This morning, I departed from the land of flufly and drowsy minds, feeling like the smartest shmuck this up side of town. I was ready to quit the habit of sneaking in my co-worker’s drawer and sneaking out with the headphones (as she is on leave).  To relieve my kleptomaniac tabias, as a guy from the House of Muumbi, I thought I should buy one.

This also happens to be one of those day’s I am early for work. Often, I check in at 1 , or minutes to 1. Kosher. No one asks, or would dare too. But yesterday, the good halo hovered over my bed last night, and I had a dream. It conjured up an ideal routine, where  all my shopping, if any, should be done over the weekends. However, it turns the weekend zooms by too soon, I feel like a zombie on Monday mourning, with my ‘cash stash’ reduced  - only soiled boots to staring solemnly back at my puffy-slit Chinese eyes..

Therefore, I have embarked on a mission to try filling in the loose minutes during my week days by doing something memorable: like spending!

Told this is the son of a gene-ass.

Anyway, I’ve seen several adverts about/on Bloomerg store. They sell electronics items down Kimathi street and I wonder why the proximity with Season’s restaurant ( I have several harrowing tales here, some of ‘em, er, lovely ..but most of ‘em are, grim ripping!). Anyway, I stride and what strikes my is a brown-skin lady with tightest braids, but flabbiest of skin (betraying inevitable age, mellowing beauty)… and for that simple reason, I ignore the dude next to her, who was making ‘advances’ towards clinching this sale.

Uko ka headphones type gani? ( I am the most uninformed buyer. Will take you in rounds till I see what I want.

Ziko, zote….(In the most soft voice, which carried with it tiredness of courtesy repeated over and over again – )

She continued to toss several pieces on the desk which were all cliche and I  never at once gave them another look. But all at once, some revelation, more brighter than my techie-dumbness must have lit her saleswomanship as soon enough, she produced what I was looking for.

She emerged with some trendy headphones which I could plug and blot out outside interference, even on her as I lulled my eardrums to deaf-inity.

I mumbled something, as I sized them up. And there, I got it.

She looked at me, happy that she was able to satisfy my desire, and waited for my turn to quench her thirst.

Well, if you expect to hear a story of how numbers were passed behind…or she hinted at flashing out the terrible twins, well.

Mistaken!

What followed was a series of quick exchanged words, a price quote, protest, protest…that was shut up by a volley of swift saleswomanship dialogue, and just like that, i found myself rummaging through the sales receipt again, and again, trying to look for those goodies that were missing out!

I only had miserable head phones  with multi-functionality that talked about a ‘Zero Sale’.’

Subject: Lunch

Afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those who are wondering where I am today I am pleased to inform you that I have had the enviable pleasure of having a 4 course meal at the Intercontinental. And am not talking about those meals that PR people cook for journalists everyday at the press conferences we are always attending. I mean an actual meal at a 5 star hotel that would have otherwise cost me like 3k or so. It had among other things Greek Mushrooms, grilled pork and chicken dipped in caramel sauce, coconut and rice cake, grilled lettuce and roasted steak and a host of many other dishes half of which I cant even pronounce. My brethren it is lunches like these ones that make me feel sure that we chose the right proffesion….

On the real, I see it as a race. We have three months to prove ourselves, which we are all capable of…but you see, the accolades are what will distinguish you, from the other rats.

I am not that nervous, but i got with me a not-so-bad sample of my work (portfolio).

I’m not sure what questions they’ll ask, how they’ll ask, who they are and if i am the only one.

One thing i know is that for the next three months, i’ll be interning in one of the esteemed media houses in East Africa;

In preparation for the precipitation of a dazzling future.

May the Lord guide my path.

Let it be.

fresh

“Hallo, is this the Screamy Intern?”

Oh yeah babe, who you be?

This is an angel, calling from a certain Media House and i want to congratulate you for passing the aptitude test…

Oh- that aptitude test that tested my testis? Great!

You welcome. I wanted to inform you…

2:30? PM or AM?

2:30 pm

This hussler’s phone is literally naked; it’s bila a keypad (you press the keys by instinct), outer covering and is quite sensitive as some keys sends it to instant sleep. However, this morning, it sent some good vibes down this sorrowful screamy soul. It’s offi-sho. Kesho 2:30 pm the Lord be with me, I shall sit before a panel of non-shitty head head-eaters for some grueling grill. As the first hurdle has been cleared,I can only look forward to clear the next one.

This comes after a relatively shitty semester for me. C.R.I.S.I.S. has been my middle name, licking my wounds like those dogs in the Bible I got. I’ve not been in the best of shapes. Even so, I’ve managed to wiggle through successfully. But if it is not well, with my soul, not even the beautiful words can smother that which is gnawing inside me.  No wonder my relation-shits are that: shitty.

Anyway, that time of the year is back as you can tell from the last update of this blog.I did not want to intern again, and worse, not at the same place i was. However, for this big organization, without the papers (I’m yet to graduate) it seems easiest way for a young undergrad to make their way up is through interning.

Honestly, I’m ready to settle for that now, even as i free-style write for other media opportunities (even a porn rag as an anon. writer te, he- naughty!)

Lets see how it goes down.

~Screamintern)))))

so jana, i made headway to campo and as usual, was killing more than one bird with the same stoned stone. the day before, i had called some girl i had been reluctantly following (like on twitter) and told her of my visit. she was happy and even requested me to bring her some ‘mazuris’. by the end of the day, i was too tired to do any shopping and i dint want to bring her alcohol (ka-quarter smirff or samzin like zat) so i settled on some cake at Bakers Inn. I was in Westie at the time and like three hours later, i landed @ campo!

Armed with a gift…i made headway to some shops to light it up (like Bob, tis a cool habit i got, light it up when u land in a new place ‘to get accustomed to the oxygen there)…and just as i was thinking about this…infront of me walked this Kao chick, very curvy and all…that we had almost something going on as the sem winked a sleepy eye. She was clad in basket ball kit, i guess, fresh off the kawa exercises…but still, you could see the goodness oozing out of the balling kit.

I was hesitant at first to talk to her, and walked behind her to a shop she frequents…and before i knew it, she noticed me and screamed like a lunatic, hugging me tight (dint mind the jasho, lol) and pecking me like a duck, lol.

ma-pleasantries nini nini and already, in my mind, i was juggling in my mind on who to hook up with. i know this one could be disappointing while the chick i had brought was promising…

so, did quick maths…called the supposed-to-be-date…and i was like, am around, yeah, yeah, hint hint, she aint picking it up, like–i effing expect you to at least, see if u cud meet me up?? ok ok ok, but thats what we agreed on, right, right? So me is there…the phone goes silent for like 5 seconds and say, Ok, and HANG UP! Women are from earth, and so are men- DEAL WITH it, ha…so, your gift goes to someone else, right…tis not a must, not really a must, but you see…at least, i like things basic and coupled with some bit of common sense..nothing eti personal, where you like me or not, nada!!! I dont what the f  is wrong with the babes i meet…

so,long and short tried to convince the new baby oryx that it ws for her nini nini of course, she couldn’t buy…but what the heck, i was lying for her munjus…wa la la la la …girl got hot ones and the nostalgia was coming back shortly.

Long story, short, went to hers, my cake was eaten by jiranis…(muhahahhaha) and got my share of ker kissing expertise.

Long kiss goodnyte. Leo bado narudia!!!!

but that doesn’t mean that i should leave my feelings out. First, i should tell you about how my blog got blocked. A workmate, surprise surprise, called me aside and whispered to me the word. All along i had been wondering why i couldn’t access my blog, facebook and my fave creative hub joint, sixsentences.ning.com. ‘Tis coz the ISP check out the frequently visited sites and block them out. Hnnmm…how inspiring! Wonder why i was the only one locked out of my steam pipes???

Anyho’ , i know i sound bored this morning.  Woke up at kedo for to make it to work on time. I am still looking for a place to hide my hooves. Not yet found one yet so i had to commute 45 kms away. Talk about choice and consequences.

Drats.

As for now, i am trying to finish off the remaining bit of a mag i am designing, before starting out on another one. I like this because this is where i am gon score some coins to ball the next semester when i am back on campus. I already have…starting from the *clear throat* compliment, tsk. All i need is just to get hold of my spending habits. They’re leaping off like a mad horse man, out of control!!!

Meanwhile, next, i’ll put up a post on my return to campus jana after a while. Tis a tale of two girls and one gift. Here we go…UP NEXT.

And this is not about some David Carradine – Auto-electro-erotic Asphyxiation…no.

just fate.

just being me. Being true to who i am, not trying to please anyone…i mean, whats so bad about being basic to your defaults?

i understand. some times its good to pretend. pretend to be good, lie, lie, lie..lie that u good and in the end- will you turn out to be good? Could be…could be..

could it be could it be…that you playing with me…

na na na na nananana…

Due to lack of interest, tomorrow is canceled…

(Kaiser Chiefs, Ruby)

well, never mind. just the inconsistency of thoughts in my mind. reported to work minutes to nine, strode in confidently with a big green and tired green, and slumped at my machine. yesterday was the d-day, and i had to leave where i was parking with my relas. it had been a month and several days of looking forward to this day…the day they’ll simply get tired of this bugger. and they did…called up my folks, foka-d all mistakes i’ve made and dad was mad.mad as mad max.

i had to be recalled…and in preparation for the lecture and all, downed two pilis before hitting the highway to my home,  Rome. My room was beckoning…and so was the msomo. But, i like the way dad is open minded. critical, not emotional..rational and all. He was skeptical though of the authenticity absolute truthfuness of my sense and argument. The plate of Plato jus’ plateue-ed rising serving them well at times and the rest of the time, just failed their truth taste buds.The Repubic of the Minds was willing to listen, gladly.

…aaaaand finally, after the census of my sense and non-sense,  a consensus was reached. Judge dad rose, imaginary robe/wig neatly adorned and the gavel came down with a re-sounding decision.

that i am my own man now. i got to look for my own place, get my shit together and learn how to live (the way i want)…

but they showed me love. they showed concern. this thawed my icy heart. it melted my tendencies to stray and spray my life with mindless stuff…and i think i’ll change..er, change to fit the life that awaits me…tonight  i have no definite place that i am going to spend today, but i am determined to mine any opportunity that comes.

definitely not relas. the circus (though not major – a storm brewed in a tea cup) i have had and heard is jus’ enough.

watch me play the matador with the new ‘freedom’ i have agreed to acquire.

i hope it runs me not into ruins, rather, to greater reigns.

peace.

i got to wank, LOOOL, i mean, work, hehe very funny. .

- screaming intern

This mourning, I was at it again.

I enter the office and  am dutifully welcomed by yesterday’s carry forwards. We were packing last months magazine returns which were a large bunch if you may ask and this morning, the job had to be finished. After the good morning salams that I particularly dislike, I dived into mountain and joined the rest of the worker. Ten minutes had not passed when the office administrator started on a topic of ‘grooming’ particularly addressing me. I am the kind of guy who when a senior talks starting to me, my mind races from the first statement, skidding on several topics looking for the negative areas that are about to be reprimanded. This time I was thinking about dress code coz I am usually casually dressed.

But that was not the bone she was contending with. The toilet seat was. Apparently, some guys had  been ‘soiling’ the toilet seat and you need not be a genius to guess that this must be a guys doing. Now, quick maths reveals that I am roughly the only guy here. The boss has his closet. The other one is the circulation guy-who has been here for ages. Oh, and the snobbish designer who I later discovered is the boss’s son—no wonder he attends work when he wants?

This really put me down since this is not a habit in my basket of many idiosyncrasies, if they are that-especially when I am on the other side of insobriety. This was enough to put me in my default status – silence. Though the topic gradually gravitated to other issues, usually relationships, adding this to my slow morning slam me further down. But not to worry, I took it lightly.

So this afternoon, when I visited the lavatory, the morning drama came back to me and  I made sure my wee wee’s jet hit the closet straight, but wapi—the thing disobeyed and the splutter streamed to forbidden land. And what’s worse, I discovered there was no T.P. available to prepare the toilet seat for another lady’s ample ass— I know chicks hate this coz they got to squart?

Got a little brighter and brought the toilet seat down.

Talk about covering the sins of misguided member!

Oops, forgive the pun.

This is the fifth day and this small fish is feeling a wee bit comfortable with the seat he is. He is happy that his mouth has been shut when necessary and has only chatted more of the mama-chai outside the office that the slyest mama in the office—but that’s beyond the point. In no way do I deem it wise to see anyone this way, unless kutokee nuru gizani—but that’s maximum miracle for another day.

So, this morning, was dropped by uncle or anko or baba bonnie if you like, to work.  And he made the ride quite interesting. What with him changing lanes like underwear, switching gears quite unexpectedly and making me kiss the dashboard—oh, how I wish she was a lady, tsk—involuntarily! Well, did I mention the unidigital middle finger salute he flushed at this wussy who crossed the road as if he had no head?

All the more, reached on time—in time to meet mr. designer putting off his lighter and he suddenly threw the half-smoked cigarette butt to a nearby pool of water—how stupid is that? And he must have been put off coz, pretending to speak on the phone, he ‘assumed’ my hi mr.smoker salaams (you know that I gotcha-ya smile?). if only he knew, me him, and cig butt floating on the pool of water are just different fish in the same pond?

Hmm….as if I CARE..ha ha ha ha.

Now, delighted as I am to know that we aren’t working on Sato, lemmie finish this project I am working on now so I could have fresh things to start on Monday.

Meanwhile, I have plenty of tales lined up for you regarding the ‘ baada ya kazi’ moments, the walking nation and Nairobi livin

g in general.

Keep it blogged man.

Later

¬Screaming Intern.